GENERAL INFORMATION
School is probably built on knowledge so it seems that you as a parent
(or child) should know exactly what is going on at every given moment (or
child) but before we get to that, there shall be a brief retelling of all the
systems pertaining to the presence of the roots leading to the supplematance of 'the genesicular surgence of the establishment itself, or in other words: ‘the
history of the school’.
Our valiant school has been standing for over one hundred and
seventy-four years and it hasn’t changed a jot; we still retain the same strict
standards of education, excellence and education in excellence. Not that we are
overly or unnecessarily strict by any means. The cane, metre ruler, whip,
scythe and skewer are sometimes applied but only in extreme circumstances or to
reduce staff stress. Having stood for so long the school has picked up somewhat
of an overwhelming reputation to people who live locally. Many papers have
frequently run front-page headlines proudly bearing the school’s name in bold
type. For the teachers of Wellsworth, the content of the stories is
insignificant to the fact that there is a mention of the school. There is an
old joke that still circulates the corridors, claiming that the Headmaster Mr
Atkins would be proud of the publicity if a newspaper were reporting the murder
of a pupil![1]
This is, of course, untrue but it just goes to show the inimitable, hilarious
sense of humour owned by our students.
The humour perhaps has something to do with the way in which the school
was born. In 1828, local government decided that a third school of some sort
was in desperate need of being built. They said that education was a way of
warding off the possible military coup that could occur due to the sudden death
of painter Mollie Flowers. After much deliberation and five deaths, it was
agreed that the school was going to be named after the great and famous
entrepreneur Sir Corinth Farnsley-Wellsworth, who won national acclaim with his
great acts of heroism and selfless courage (such as his single-handed
slaughtering of twelve thousand and three ghastly foreigners, on a day trip to
France, in the March of 1822). Yes, he was the only person who could grant the
school the class it deserved.
Sir Corinth opened the education pod that is our merry building on the
fourteenth of December. He took it upon himself to grasp the role of
headmaster, even though another headmaster had already been lined up. Sir
Corinth was later found out to have no qualifications but he gave the job his
all and did his best to make a difference in children’s lives. All of our
present staff loyally follow in his tradition. When the mighty Sir Corinth
tragically was killed, the cheeky young nobleman Talbot Rothwell took his place.
And on it went. Changes, obviously, took place over the decades. It would be
impossible for them not to. One such change was the complete demolition and
rebuilding of the school in 1974 when it was found to be structurally unsound
(and entirely made from asbestos) but the most important amendment made was the
renaming of the school in 1969, from ‘Sir Corinth Farnsley-Wellsworth’s
Educational Establishment For The Benefit Of Young Gentlemen Only’ – this name
came about because of the yet to be scientifically unproven theory Sir Corinth
had that females were spiritually immoral and unable to learn – to the more
politically PC ‘Wellsworth’s Comprehensive School For Persons’.
Surely that is enough about the history of the school, ‘what about the
now?’ you must be saying. Well, the now is very much in the good here at
Wellsworth. This school, Wellsworth, is divided into three School Houses;
Nathaniel, Mythane and Buggerias. Each one named after someone who has. Houses
all foster an individual sense of identity and create a warm, tingling feeling
of belongitude to the pupils. It is also a useful way to push children into
competing against each other. Brothers and sisters are always kept in the same
House, for reasons of illumination. Your child, whether he be a brother or
indeed a sister, will also have a form tutor who sees them through the week.
Parents should contact the form tutor if they are having any difficulties and
build up a firm bond with them (invite them to play snooker or squash). It will
be worth it. Parents will also also get to know Heads of House and House Staff
but they’re not as important. They’re a bit like local councillors in that you
never notice them or are exactly sure of what they are doing but they’re always
there. Every single teacher, no matter who they are, will do their most to keep
your child bright, gay and fancy free throughout the duration of their time
here at Wellsworth. Every teacher cares. Every teacher, without one exception.
Wellsworth thanks you for this, for being such good parents and people. Thank
you ever so much. You are what makes Britain great.
It is an important part of the philosophy of the school that a child is
a pupil is a child is a student and that students are pupils and pupils are
students 24 hours a day and 365 days a year (unless it is a Leap Year but we
try to avoid those as best we can). We expect high standards from students at
all times, especially when they are not on school premises. When they are
outside the gates, around the streets, at home, at the doctors, anywhere. We
are always watching. Pupils who openly disobey rules about uniform and
jewellery whilst outside are horrifically punished when they return to school.
For children to be like this, parents must do something as well. They must sign
(and so must the school and the child) into an indenture. The Indenture is
discussed in the following paragraph.
The Indenture is the foundation of the relationship between all three
parties and clarifies what each must achieve. Wellsworth does its utmost to follow
TO THE LETTER the contract so that, at ANY breach at all (no matter how
slight), The Indenture can be brought up. And it will be, time and time again.
It is constantly thrown in the face of all pupils throughout each and every
school year. Parents and children are recommended to read the contract fully
and, if any rule seems too steep, you can go to another school. Though they
won’t be as good. Any breach of The Indenture is rigorously punched in the
nose.
The PTA Committee meets approximately eighty-seven times each year. It
organises a wide variety of activities and numerous activities to help the work
of the school. Functions are regularly organised to welcome overseas visiting
students to the school (from places are far apart as Wales and Afghanistan) and
to welcome back students who have gone on our legendary School Expeditions to
places as fun and exciting as Antarctica and Swindon. New parents are always
welcomed to attend and the dates of such meetings are published in the
Headmaster’s newsletters - eighty newsletters, of something like ten to
twenty-seven sides, are sent out to parents each year, they’re super (enclosed
herein is Issue Three Thousand And Sixty-Six)
Every agenda includes an opportunity for parents to raise concerns –
unless there isn’t enough time – and the Headmaster’s four-hour lecture on the
school’s progress in the weeks between this and the last meeting, as well as
the Funny Hat Competition. Parents are advised not to leave their cars outside
during the meeting and to generally join in the fun by bringing their own cakes
and pastries. Also, you are not allowed to leave once the meeting has started.
Dinners are distributed every fourth day by the trained volunteer
dinner staff at 12.40 (just forty minutes past noon), dinnertime lasts twenty
minutes. It’s always quite a rush! The price of one meal is £78, with an
optional pudding at just £33 extra. Good value, I think you’ll agree when you
see the amount of chips you get with each dinner. Mountainous! Oh, my word of
words! Yum yum yum! School meals are always delicious, without fail. This is
most true during the much-anticipated Christmas dinner, which will start up
again in two years time after the inquest is complete.
Fighting will not be tolerated here
or anywhere else. Any student found fighting, on or off school ground, would be
punished severely as would the student they were fighting with. Parents have a
fundamental responsibility in the discipline of their children (almost as
important as the responsibility we have) and so must set a good example. You
will not be notified of any incident involving your child, of any size, in case
it leads to an awkward social moment. It is this partnership between parents,
teachers and students (The Parent-Teacher-Student Partnership) that is
essential if your child is to gain the maximum benefit from Wellsworth.
On the slight subject of absences, any student found deliberately
missing days of school without good reason or their parent’s knowledge, let
alone their permission, will be immediately suspended for three months and
their parents will be given a hefty fine of up to £26900. We feel this is fair.
The new students coming into are
school will arrive at eleven in the am and assemble in the playground. After
forty minutes, in which the new pupils will get used to the rather odd climate
we have here, the teachers will lovingly usher them into their first ever
morning registration. This is an exciting and perplexing time, in which many
things can happen and probably will! Who knows whom you will meet and what you
will say to them! Gosh, the possibilities are unbounded.
The first day is basically a starter; where the teachers are, what
rooms they’re in and where they can be found if needed. Apart from all the
other times, this is the only time in which children can meet up with each
other and talk about who they are, what pets they have, where they live, recent
bereavements, etc. Socialising with people of the same age and social group is
incredibly important and we know this. Talking is only legal way to make
friends and form those precious bonds that last a lifetime. Chatting is
permitted during morning break only.
It is inside this day that the Student’s Planners are given out. These
are what make the smiles on their little faces meet in the middle. These
planner things are a marvellous idea and to whoever invented them we at
Wellsworth tip our hats and cry with glee. They are, simply put, the best
possible way to keep an up to date and easily comprehensible account of your
home-works. But there’s more!
The first day ends with the singing of the traditional school song ‘Ao
Ie Au Lansygnie Tri Elva Cancumpta Trans Perzurous Ninot Aelchikivia’ (‘For My
School, I Would Willingly Sacrifice My Life and the Lives of My Entire Family’)
which is also used in times of calamity. It is a ceremonious and triumphant
occasion. The next school day starts with the register at 10.20am instead of
9.50am that it will be on a normal day, then as the day before it goes with two
lessons before break before two before two. The normal day, and that day, both
end at 3.15pmgmt. It is not yet known when the building work will be completed.
A child’s first day in a frightening new school is a period of anxiety
indeed. We suggest that parents make this an easier time for their child by
walking with them up to the school gates. Grasp their hands, reassure things
are fine by refusing to let go, pat them on the head and hug them. It really
does make a difference to how the child feels, you can see it on their faces,
and how others perceive them. The older pupils will watch as you do this and
they will think, ‘Look! There goes a well-balanced boy/girl who comes from a
stable home. They are truly special, a thing of beauty that can only be
treasured until the moment they leave, and they would make a marvellous new
friend.’ We have found from years of experience that this is the best way to
ensure that your child will meet others. You will notice as you leave that
children will be talking to your son or daughter straight away; laughing and
indulging in jolly japes. For parents who are unsure as how to do this,
remember nothing comes close to shouting ‘I love you’ across the playground.
With your help and our knowledge, your child can enjoy a full and
boisterous first day! And learn.
[1] As
a matter of interest, it is worthy to note that such an incident did occur and
indeed it was reported in The Harlotsford Heralder (7/6/93). Mr Atkins would
like me to add that the article is there for all to see hanging to the right of
the reception desk; he points you to the second paragraph in which Wellsworth
is referred to as ‘very clean’.
